I’ve recently received so many messages from sisters and coaching clients asking about the same issue over and over again. It blows my mind away to see that many women experiencing loneliness, frustration, immense grief because they’re not married yet.
It goes as far as some women questioning Allah for keeping them single. Others crying themselves to sleep at night! Wooooah – Holy Smokes Sweetie! Crying because you don’t have a man in your life?!??! That kind of energy and desperation is the quickest way to kill any attraction that a man could possibly have for you.
Desiring intimacy and companionship is absolutely natural. But it’s not the sole existence of your life. One of the four greatest women ever to walk upon this earth was Maryam (the mother of Isa, may the blessings of Allah be upon them) – yet she never married. Your significance as a woman doesn’t rely on getting married.
I want you to keep this analogy in mind:
You are the deliciously, gluten free vanilla cupcake of your life. And your spouse is the sweet sprinkles that add glitter to the already scrumptious butter-crème cupcake.
You’ve got to be happy on your own.
You’ve got to be ridiculously content with your own life, bursting with love and happiness that radiates from self-love, pursuing your passions, connecting with inspiring women, devoting your time to connecting with Allah and after all of that when the man of your dreams comes along he’ll be the fancy red bow that ties it all together for you.
Your loneliness isn’t going to disappear after marriage. There’s nothing worse than being in a marriage and still feeling lonely. It happens much more than you think. Whilst the excitement from marrying your dream man might keep your entertained for the first few months, eventually…. eventually reality will settle back in again. That’s when all these fears, thoughts of neediness, feeling empty will flood back in again. Why? Because…
It was never about him.
It was never really about finding your dream man.
You think getting married will solve your loneliness. You think getting married will suddenly motivate you into becoming this domestic angel, brimming with ambition to sort your life out, get a supermodel body, chase after your dreams and live happily ever after.
Not true.
Marriage might change you for the first few months. But eventually your old habits and characteristics will creep back in.
You’ve got to do this for yourself.
Here’s the beauty of being truly happy within yourself:
You become the source of your own sunshine.
You bring the love and excitement to the relationship. Your bring the feminine energy, zest and lightness that sparks the happiness in a relationship. BUT if your needy, desperate and clingy, you can’t bring any of these qualities forth. Because your too immersed in that little, dark hole, waiting for a man to fill that void within you.
How could you possibly light up somebody’s world if you can’t even ignite your own?
Want it with all your heart but know that you’ll be perfectly happy without it too.
Be a girl who wants rather than needs.
A girl who wants marriage – who wants a loving man who happens to be just one incredible, delicious piece to the puzzle of her life.
Rather than a girl who needs a man – who centres her existence around a man and can’t function without him (i.e. sobbing at night because you have no-one, making ‘dear future husband’ letters to share online – eeek! or making dua for your future husband – oh my! he doesn’t need your duas, you don’t even know him and Allah is looking perfectly well after him.)
So darling, the key message from today’s blog post is to love your life… to be genuinely fulfilled and happy from within. When this incredible man comes along, he’ll only enhance and blossom the happiness and love that’s already within you.
P.s. If you’d like 1-1 support to create a healthy foundation of self-love, a personalised goal setting plan and take inspired action with gentle, consistent accountability to live your wildest dreams, book in a free 1-1 coaching session here 🙂
37 Responses
????????????Wow… What an Amazing content…
Lighten up my mind…
May Allah bless u immense happiness and peace..
Ameen! Glad to hear ?xx
Nice post sister Jzk
But one of the main reasons I want to get married is for intimacy affection and satisfying physical needs. I can’t do that for myself unless :'( for everything else yes I can be happy. Alhamdulillah
Salam Sis,
I love your blog its so beneficial. I pray that Allah rewards you on your scale of goods and pray this is a means to enter Jannah by Ameen Allauma Ameen.
I just wanted to ask. What does someone do if all their friends are married and they are not? When meeting up for meals etc all they talk about is their husbands, children and in laws. It can get awkward and when you go back home you feel even more lonely and prior to meeting up you were absolutely fine.
Are there any tips one can follow? Should they avoid meeting up with them? Sometimes when this is done their absence is questioned.
Your advise will be appreciated.
Jazkillah Khair
xxx
Wasalam lovely,
Ameen, barakAllah fee ?
It’s so important to put your emotional well-being first – if at any moment a person feels triggered/ emotionally pushed by something, then the first suggestion would be to avoid that place/ person/ thing as much as possible, very lovingly and kindly with the other people involved. If you have no choice, then you’d look at changing the topic/ leaving early if that helps/ asking questions that very naturally take the focus away from talking about husbands/ families etc. Be the first one to bring up a topic that doesn’t relate to those things or even about past memories (before their friends got married).
In the that time away/ to yourself, look at why you’re feeling this way. That feeling of loneliness is probably being surfaced whilst in their company – any emotions that we feel that are triggered by someone else/ or an external circumstance, usually already exists within us. So going away from the circumstance would help but it won’t solve/ heal it. Instead work on your self-love, feeling fully content within by yourself. Realise how your friends who are married with children aren’t any less lonely or more fulfilled than you are. Marriage is soo beautiful and having children changes your life, but if you lose yourself in it and all there is to your life is marriage, children and in-laws, it can quickly become very unsatisfying with your emotions all over the place. The grass isn’t any greener on the other side. Look at what’s happening within you and work on your self-love, feeling fulfilled right now with all that you do have.
I hope this helps inshaAllah, do let me know xx
*Even though this question might not be coming from you directly, I’ve responded mainly in the ‘you’ pronoun, just so that it’s easier to write and follow through x
I am not really agree with this subject , Why islam encouraged muslim men and woman to get married as soon they can afford it and find the match.(And HE created at His signs a pair …” I have seen many singles who was feeling lonely depressed after they got married they got happy married for years and till now. This is not about self love I believe many single love them self already enough! The whole thing you are not married is an test . This world is temporary ‘you will be tested with fear and hunger lost of wealth ect’ Allah is testing you and how you gone deal with this test because he Knows you can handle it. To enter Jannah is not an free ticket only with good deeds and praying you most suffer in this world like how the Prophets did. Being single is because Allah let you suffer with suffering you receiving rewards and sins are forgiven. When Allah love you he will test you because he want to see you on day of judgement that you have enough earnings so good deeds will be ranking high and HE wants you to be close with Him. Its an trial thats why Allah decreed it, without no hardship in this world you will never reach jannah!
I really appreciate the way you’ve articulated your thoughts and fully respect your thoughts.
Your single days doesn’t have to be a test. When Allah decrees when you marry is completely outside of your control. So in the meantime, you can use that time to be genuinely productive and happy (because Allah knows what’s best for you right now even if that’s different to your desires) or you can use that time to long/ wait upon the future. The beauty is that when you are overflowing with self-love, you’re able to bring that love to your wife/husband.
I promise you that even some married couples who spend their entire day together are are soo lonely at times. (There’s nothing worse than being married, with kids tugging at your feet all day yet still feeling empty, because it was never about the dream spouse/ family in the first place). Yes, your single days can be a challenging time but you can use that to your growth. That’s the purpose of this article: to be fully content with where Allah has placed you, and to ask for your dream wife/husband from a place of inner fulfilment. So that you’re overflowing with self-love, you have soo much going for you, so many passions and hobbies and you can’t wait to share your love with that special someone versus being lonely, crying yourself to sleep and looking for a spouse just to escape your sadness.
I hope this helps inshaAllah and thank you soo much for your thoughts, I really appreciate it 🙂
MashAllah Your work is so amazing and I love reading your blogs and learning things. I want to read more and I can’t wait for new blogs . May Allah bless you
Thank you ✨ I will definitely inshaAllah be writing more x
This is really a nice article. All single Muslims just need to be patient for the day when the nikkah vow would be over. I pray that the right person comes.
JazakAllah Khair, The right person for you will absolutely come at the right time for you inshaAllah, keep working towards your goals and dreams, the wait will be worth it 🙂
I found this post patronising! We were created to be in pairs, it’s only natural to one someone to fall asleep next to and to talk. No marriage doesn’t define me, but I have emotional needs and physical and this is something only a man can give me. To mock a woman’s tears and to say indirectly I felt like you said get over it, is not only undermining the pain she’s going through but also denying her needs. It depends on what sort of loneliness one experiences, some stimes the only solution is patience until Allah relieves you. Just because a woman crys at night DOES not mean she’s desperate. Otherwise she would marry any loser, sometimes one crys simply because it hurts and your article was deeply unhelpful.
I’m really sorry if this article has offended or upset you – that has never been my intention.
At the heart of this article is realising that you need to make yourself happy and fulfilled first – nowhere have I indirectly said to ‘get over it’ – not in my coaching with clients or anywhere in my blog. If it was as simple as that, I wouldn’t spend 5+ hours brainstorming, writing and editing a single blog post.
I did clearly state that desiring intimacy and companionship is absolutely natural and if you want it to be unconditional love beyond your wildest dreams that lasts years beyond the honeymoon phase and it only gets better by the years, then I personally believe for that kind of love to flourish it needs to begin with yourself.
Loneliness hurts but marriage isn’t going to solve that – maybe the initial honeymoon buzz will cover it for a while – but any sort of deep, emotional issues will rise back again. There are plenty of lonely married couples who have unmet emotional and physical needs.
And lastly, for me personally I believe the essence of marriage/ love is seeing the person you love light up with immense happiness and creating that joy – the more you focus on loving the other person without any expectation whatsoever to fulfil your emotional or physical needs – that’s when it comes back to you ten-folds. And you can’t unconditionally love someone if you’re looking for your needs to be met – that’s what I believe, feel free to disagree 🙂
Alsalaam Alaikum wa ramotulla wa barakatu
Ramadan Mubarak sisters…
I guess some cry over this because they often Are Actually lonely and desperate (not necessarily for a husband or man in their lives but), because they may feel austrocised within Muslim Communities…Not necessarily deliberately. But because as a Revert you can’t freely mix with non-mahram, most muslims share the daily things and not Just the Iftar etc. As a Revert you wake to break your fast Alone. You pray Alone. You learn Alone. Your christian or non believing family don’t share Anything with you now (you’re alone). You lose your friends
You lose the connections you once had..
So ‘being’ desperate Actually can mean that you are ‘Desperate’ for Muslim Mahram, shared prayer, learning, family and people who Are Actually interested in your islam experience. Also many Reverts experience loss of income due to giving up jobs that weren’t suitable, and Dont have family to step in and support financially. Many have to move Out of home as its too dangerous, haram is taking place there. This speaking from a Revert Perspective…
As for Muslim born sisters/brothers they too I have noticed have pressures to be married and have children before they are old (ive been informed many times your time has virtually run out past 30 yrs old) whereas in western non muslim culture getting married First time and having babies in early mid forties is acceptable.
But muslim born sisters and brothers thank Allah for the blessings of being born into your querky, culturally strange muslim family. It rocks more than you know
Wa Aleikum Salam Fatima,
The purpose of this post was to support and encourage sisters to be happy and fulfilled within themselves first and foremost and then to seek out companionship/ friendship from a place of inner fulfilment. I can absolutely guarantee you that there are people who are praying with their family/ having iftar together/ going on holidays together etc. – yet still feel alone.
When it comes to feeling alone overall and not due to marriage/relationship (as this post discusses), it’s so important to connect with people with what you do have. Another revert that I spoke to was experiencing loneliness/ feeling like an outsider to her family. And we looked at connecting with her family as a sister/ daughter/ aunt/ friend etc. Deen isn’t the only way to connect with people. Even between born Muslims, with some people you connect through deen, others it’s through a different interest as not everybody is going to be equally practising.
With each testing time comes a blessing. I hope this helps inshaAllah, much love xx
Lovely post, as always I enjoy reading your post and reflecting on my life to see what changes I need to make. “Love your life” and the right man will only enhance it, love your message.
xoxo
http://www.twentyfivestar.com
Thank you so much sweetie x
Assalamu alaikum warahmatullah, I am really pleased to have read this piece, it says exactly what’s in my mind. Feeling lonely is a choice one make. I am single and self fulfilled.
Wa Aleikum Salam,
Wonderful! I’m so happy to hear that alhumdulilah,
Have a wonderful day x
I wish more women were aware of these very true and very wise words you have spoken here! This is such a wonderful post masha’Allah, and such an important message. Our value as a person is not determined by our relationship status – our relationship with ourselves and with Allah first and foremost are the two most important relationships and always will be.
Thank you Khawlah ?
Wholeheartedly agree – our relationship with Allah and with ourselves determines everything else x
Thank you for talking to people like me cause that’s exactly how I feel at the moment. I think that getting married will solve my feeling of loneliness, I think I need someone to tell me all the beautiful things I want to hear and tell me that everything I think about myself isn’t true, but I should be nice and love myself first, Thank you sis
I like the key message to love yourself and your life first.
Awww lovely – thanks for stopping by x
Oh i forwarded this article like anything.
“You think getting married will solve your loneliness. There’s nothing worse than being in a marriage and still feeling lonely…..” this is everything!
Sadly we forget to fill the jug that’s going to pour into other cups…
Absolutely! You can’t pour from an empty cup 🙂
‘Your lonliness isn’t going to disappear after marraige’, no truer words were ever spoken. Marriage is not a cure for lonliness.
100% ?
This is beautiful and so true. Marriage is something beautiful and wonderful and it’s certainly normal for women to desire that companionship. But I truly feel that no one is ready for marriage until they learn how to be happy, productive, and content on their own. I know I say this all the time lol but I really do love your blog. You inspire about so many important topics <3
Awwww jazakillah khair 🙂 I’m so happy it inspires you!
This is such an amazing post! It’s so true! You have to be able to be happy without a man and love yourself first! X x x
Completely 🙂
Lovely read! I agree with the notion that you don’t need rather you should want. Also what every girl really needs is to live herself first rather than rely on someone else to give her that love she is looking for.
Lovely read sister. Subhanallah, this issue is so common. With the people I know, the pressure usually inspired by parents, and they’re want to be a mother in law or have grandchildren. Then again there are many root causes. And I do agree overall, when you truly love yourself, that will only magnify your marriage.
Yeah there’s huge pressure for parents, relatives, society… Whatever state your in, marriage tends to amplify that. So if your truly happy within yourself, that happiness magnifies within your marriage too and vice versa with other emotions x
Be a girl who wants rather than needs…..through the simple words you have conveyed a beautiful message to all..thumbs up for that…May Allah SWT bless you in abundance….
Ameen, thank you sweetheart ?