“Work hard, girl!”
“Go after it with all your heart”
“Chase your dreams… make it happen!”
All. my. life. I’ve been bombarded with the messages above. I’m sure you have to. As a little girl I was always pushed and expected to do the best in school, through college, alimiyyah and anything else that’d I’d possibly get my hands into – being the best was expected from me. As I grew up and set more and more beautiful, heart warming goals, I noticed a new energy creeping in – desperation.
I become O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D with achieving the dream body. (To the point of puking whilst exercising and forcing myself to gulp down my vomit – eek!) All my social media feeds were filled with weight-loss motivation, food tips and fitness inspo – all in disguise of positivity and health. My obsession wasn’t healthy. I thought by surrounding myself with health inspiration, I’d be supporting myself. But it was having the opposite effect on me.
Reading up on nutritional books and health articles was triggering my inner mean girl. Every time I’d eat, my inner mean girl would be ranging on a volume 10: “If you want to slim down, put down the rye bread (carbs!)” or ” Your plate doesn’t have enough greens on it” or “You’re eating too much – stop now!”. This obsession – all in the name of hard work, body love and health was driving me crazy. That’s when I sought out the help of a health coach and read up on healing my relationship with food. (A blog post for later!).
Notice how desperation creeps up on you. In my case, it was in disguise of seeking greater health and body positivity. By themselves these goals are wonderful aspirations. But my mindset towards these goals was embedded in fear and lack. The difference between coming from a place of desperation versus abundance is mindset. The way I thought about these goals was crippling my chances of success.
What does desperation look like?
+ Thinking about it all day – it consumes your thoughts
+ Obsessing over every choice that may hinder your chances of attaining the goal
+ Your energy is constricted and tight when you think about it
+ You’re on the fence – every little thing can set you into extreme joy or sadness
+ You feel an emptiness and darkness within
+ This obsession determines your daily choices i.e. you avoid going out with friends in fear of eating unhealthy food
+ You feel threatened by anybody else whose achieved the same goal
Where does desperation come from?
1) Fear of not attaining it
2) Fear of losing it (if you’ve already attained it)
Fear. Fear. Fear. I’ve written a whole post about overcoming fear, which you can read here.
For this post, I want to shed light on a few home truths about desperation. This is about changing your mindset. It’s about challenging the way you think. Here goes…
+ With EVERYTHING in life, you’ve got to be okay with not having it. You’ve got to embrace whatever Allah brings your way. You’ve got to accept that your life may turn out completely opposite to how you want it. And that’s okay. Perhaps Allah will give you everything except for that which you bawled your eyes out for – and that’s okay too.
+ Desperation doesn’t give you what you want. It’s an illusion. It doesn’t change anything. In fact the more desperate you are, the greater your chances of pushing it away.
+ Have you ever had a needy friend? That one friend that overcompensates for everything? I.e she says sorry a hundred times, easily gets jealous over good things that happen to you and places hundreds of unrealistic expectations on you. It’s emotionally draining and becomes too much for a person to bare. Isn’t it your natural reaction to back off? It doesn’t how much you love your friend/spouse/family member, desperation pushes people away.
+ Find that confidence from within. Do you know why as women we (sometimes) centre our lives around our families/marriages/ friends/ careers/ hobbies? It’s because we never found that strength and foundation from within. And until you do, you’ll constantly be peeping into the big, wide world constantly looking for the next thing to seek that strength and inner validation.
+ When you let go of desperation, you become a magnet for what you’re seeking. Opposites attract. Painfully holding on and wanting something desperately only prolongs your pain. If you keep holding onto pain, you’re only going to attract more pain. What you focus on grow. So if your focusing on the pain of letting go and desperately trying to hold on… you’re only going to get more of that. We have this false dream that once we achieve our goals, all the pain, frustration and worry will suddenly drop – uh uh!
+ Look at all those girls who’ve lost weight yet still feel lonely, desperately craving attention. Look at all those couples, who believed that finding their dream spouse will end their loneliness – yet despite meeting their dream partner, they still feel empty. You cannot take the path of desperation and expect that once you arrive at your destination, all your issues will magically disappear. Because it won’t. The feeling of attainment from reaching your goals might cloud your mind for a few months, but sooner or later the same feelings of desperation will slowly creep back in.
+ What are you afraid of losing? We’re all leaving. We all have our own departure dates. When you get caught up in attachment and desperation, remember that you’re not here forever. We’re all leaving – there’s nothing to get attached to.
Remember that desperation is an illusion from you ego (and we all have one). No matter how hard and impossible it feels, remember that love is your truth. Love, freedom and ease is your birthright. Especially as the majority of those reading this blog post are women. Our feminine energy thrives on freedom, going with flow, letting go of rigid plans and dancing in the present moment. And that’s why we agonise over the future so much.
So now it’s over to you Beautiful. I know it’s really tough to admit to yourself that you’re feeling needy or desperate for whatever you seek. I hope this post gives you the courage and support to open that conversation with yourself. To really dig deep and not be afraid of your reality – because that can change. You can go from being a desperately needy woman to a radiantly glowing and fiercely gorgeous woman who isn’t afraid.
Ps. If you want to chat a little bit more about overcoming fear and you inner mean girl talk, contact me here for a free 20 min life coaching session.